The Searchers (1956)

Have you ever fallen asleep watching a show and then when you wake up you are completely lost? "How did they end up in that water filled garbage disposal? I thought Luke was going to look for R2-D2 in the desert." you say to yourself. The movie seems to have jumped inexplicably (or at least that's how you perceive it) and it scares and confuses you. This is what happened to me while watching The Searchers, both figuratively and literally.

The Searchers is about two cowboys who will stop at nothing to hunt down the rogue Comanche Native Americans that killed their relatives, except for one daughter who they took with them. How can they make this situation better? Two words: Stockholm Syndrome. Now I know what you're thinking, "This sounds like a pretty sweet show." WRONG! It was a deadly combination of terrible acting and bad timing with just a hint of boring. By "hint" I actually mean "a whole truck load."

While watching this movie I fell asleep 6 times. Each time I would wake up and be completely confused. The plot, to me, seemed to jump around with no rhyme or reason. I would blame my confusion on my dozing off, rewind the movie, and start again. I repeated this process several times until I decided to drink a Coke and start again. I made it through the whole movie without falling asleep only to find that the plot actually DID jump around with no rhyme or reason.

When my brother-in-law asked me what I thought of the movie I responded simply, "It was so stupid!" I could try to put more filler into this review, but to be honest that sentence sums it up pretty well. I think it is a good note to end on.

The bottom line:
Rating: 2.0
Would I own it? You're joking right?
Would I recommend it? Hell no.

Vertigo (1958)

I love scary movies. I love them so much, throughout the month of October I don't watch anything but scary movies. Something about getting my heart pumping really fast, and then adding in the occasional involuntary bladder purge, that makes me feel alive. Despite my love for such movies it's been a while since I've seen a good thriller, and I'm not talking about the Michael Jackson song:



I'm talking about the movies that keep you on the edge of your seat. Ghost, zombie, and slasher movies don't really count. True they thrill, but I'm talking about "psychological thrillers." Alfred Hitchcock is the king of psychological thrillers, but I must say Vertigo fell short of my expectations.

James Stewart (you know him as Jimmy) plays a police detective Scottie who has a fear of heights. When an old friend asks him to tail his wife, Scottie finds himself sucked up into a devious plot of deceit, murder, adultery, and a woman who is possibly possessed by a ghost.

The plot was creative, and the twist at the end was surprising, but I finished the movie unsatisfied. I'm not sure what it was, but something was missing from this movie. It still was a good film, but my hopes were set a little higher. At least Alfred, true to his style, had a cameo in the movie. If you do watch Vertigo, look for him walking outside the shipping yard near the beginning of the movie.

The bottom line:
Rating: 3.3
Would I own it? I would if I bought a box set of Alfred Hitchcock's movies.
Would I recommend it? I would with the warning, "It was good, not great."

Schindler's List (1993)

Have you ever cried so hard that afterward you were dehydrated? Both times I have watched Schindler's List that has happened to me. I even had to wait a day after watching it to write this entry so I wouldn't be so depressed. What I am driving at is don't expect to see much humor in this review because let's be honest, how do you joke about such a serious movie and topic? "Seinfeld" did it, but Jerry Seinfeld is Jewish (if you think that makes a difference).

Before I get into details about the film, let me warn you of a few things. These warnings are in no way excuses to not see this movie. There is no excuse because EVERYONE MUST SEE THIS MOVIE. This warnings are just so that you don't watch it under the wrong circumstances.
1) This movie is very long (over 3 hours) so don't start it before work or something like that.

2) This movie is extremely depressing so don't watch it at a party or something like that.

3) This movie will make you cry (unless you don't have a soul) so have tissues close. If you are watching this movie with a female (or you are a female) you'd better get two boxes just for her. I'm serious about this one. I was bathing in my girlfriend's tears.

4) This movie is very graphic at times, but it is so the viewer can better appreciate just how bad it was. Take it from someone who has stood in the furnaces of two concentration camps; the next best (if best is the right word) thing to actually going to a concentration camp is watching this movie. You just can't understand what they went through without such a depiction.

Consider yourself warned.

Schindler's List is a true story about a German factory owner that saved the lives of 1,100 Jews, during WWII, in Krakow, Poland. His main goal in life was to be rich, and exploited Jewish slave labor to accomplish that goal. As time went by he had a change of heart and used his political ties, and all of his money, to save 1,100 Jewish workers from a concentration camp thereby saving them from death.

This film is absolutely brilliant. It was shot in black and white to both somber up the mood of the film, and to put you into the time period. The only color in the movie is a little girl in a red coat. She enters the film at a very significant and depressing moment in the film. The red is used to show significance. I don't want to give too much of the movie away so I will only mention part of the significance. The significance is that the scene is the beginning of Schindler's change of heart. You see the girl in the red coat again later, and that shows the moment when Schindler is fully changed. It is a great display of human emotion.

I really have nothing bad to say about this movie. I also can't say anything else without giving too much of the movie away so I will stop there. Let me close by saying that Schindler's List is not the only amazing Holocaust movie. The Pianist starring Adrien Brody is also a great film. It isn't quite as good as Schindler's List, but it still should be seen in your life.

The bottom line:
Rating: 4.8
Would I own it? It is one of those movies you can only watch every once in a while so I don't think I will ever own it. I'll just rent it when I want to see it.
Would I recommend it? I think this review speaks for itself. EVERYONE MUST SEE IT!

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

When I was a child I had a very short attention span. Finishing an entire movie rarely happened. Later I would see a scene from a movie that was near the end and be completely alienated by it. I remember being in love with Batman starring Michael Keaton. I would watch it whenever I got the chance. I, however, never actually finished it. I came into the room when my parents were watching it and was bewildered by the museum scene. The same goes for the castle riot in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and the witches lair in The Wizard of Oz. Of course it is easy to be puzzled by that scene because why does the witch have servants that want Oreos really badly? But I digress. Now that I am older I have finished The Wizard of Oz and it makes me wonder: Is there a person on this planet that hasn't seen it? I've never met such a strange individual. Maybe somewhere in the Congo there is a tribe of natives that haven't seen it. But then again, maybe not.

In case you haven't seen it, I'll break it down for you. Dorothy is a farm girl from Kansas who wishes to have more excitement in her life. When a twister touches down in the farm all hell breaks loose. The house, containing Dorothy and her dog Toto, is ripped from it's foundation and taken to the magical world of Oz. Residing in Oz is a whole gang of little people (called Munchkins), a whole gang of witches (good and bad), a scarecrow, a tin man, and a lion. Dorothy, having a case of the grass is always greener syndrome, now wants nothing more than to be home. Along with her brain seeking scarecrow, her heart envious tin man, and her cowardly lion, she heads to the wizard to get help.

The special effects in this movie, considering when it was made, are incredible. Not to mention all the beautiful colors and fun songs. Speaking of beautiful colors let me debunk a rumor right now. The movie begins and ends in black and white. I have heard it claimed that it is because they started the movie, and then color was invented so they began using it. WRONG! As the book says, Kansas is such a dreary place that everything is gray. Even the faces of the people are gray. That is why the creators chose to make the beginning of the movie black and white. Clever, no?

As long as I'm on the subject of enlightening the readers of this blog, ever wonder why the lion only gets a short song in the forest, and then has another song later in the Emerald City? Obviously it is because the song writers couldn't think of many words to rhyme with "courage" so they postponed his big number til they could bring up a different key word (i.e. "King of the Forest"). All of the characters, besides the Scarecrow, got a bad wrap out of this movie. Dorothy's goodbyes to her entourage is a perfect example of this. See the video below to see what I'm talking about.


I apologize if this entry seemed like I was just ranting and raving. I just figured I would have a little fun with a common household movie. I enjoyed this movie, and hope that future generations will too.

The bottom line:
Rating: 4.6
Would I own it? How could I live with myself if I didn't own it?
Would I recommend it? How could I not?

Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

I've never been one for deserts. They're hot, dry, dirty, and just all around boring. Desserts, on the other hand, are amazing. I am one for desserts. Back to the Future 3 is my least favorite Back to the Future cinematic experience (not counting the cartoon series because that sucked) because it took place in a hot, dirty desert. If the setting of Back to the Future 3 would have been on an eclair then it would have grabbed my attention better. Lawrence of Arabia takes place in, you guessed it, a desert.

This movie is about Thomas Lawrence, a member of the British army during WWI. He is sent to "appreciate" the situation in Arabia. While there he becomes involved with a band of rebels who attack (among other things) Aqaba and Damascus. Lawrence is also involved with the Arab National Council, which will actually mean something to history buffs. To me it means nothing.

The very first thing I noticed about this film was the lack of women. The only women ever shown were nuns, and they didn't come in until the very end of the film. The sausage fest that is Lawrence of Arabia made me think of "American Dad" when the Smith family moves to Saudi Arabia. Below is a song about how Saudi Arabia sucks for girls.


http://www.hulu.com/watch/1142/american-dad-worst-place-in-the-world

I was really interested for the first half of this movie, but it didn't keep my attention for the whole 4 hours. The fact that this man lived is amazing, and all that happened is inspiring, but the movie documenting his exploits didn't do it justice. All in all it was boring.

The bottom line:
Rating: 2.9
Would I own it? No
Would I recommend it? Maybe to a history major

Gone with the Wind (1939)

I'm going to tell you how I felt about this movie. I'm not even going to creative about it, I'm just going to spit out what I thought and suffer the consequences. I HATED THIS MOVIE!!! It's not that it is a bad movie, it's just not enjoyable to watch. Ok, that's not fair to say. It wasn't fun for me to watch but I know a whole community of women that would love this movie. Namely girls who love drama, romance, and deceit. Also any diaper wearing senior citizen who looks forward to applesauce time would love this flick. That is because Gone with the Wind was just a 4 hour soap opera. Don't know what a soap opera is? Well let me enlighten you with an example from the show Futurama. "All my Circuits" is a soap opera that is watched regularly by the characters of Futurama. It follows a robot named Calculon and everything imaginable happens to him. "All My Circuits" is only ever shown in clips, but here is a breakdown of one episode:

1) Antonio reveals that he has forgotten how to be Calculon's son because he has amnesia.

2) In the next scene Calculon enters the bedroom to find his wife Monique in bed with his half brother Boxy. "Calculon?!?" she shouts, "but I thought you were..." "Egyptian?" he responds.

3) The scene then switches to a boat where Monique is going to kill Antonio. "Before I kill you I must ask you one question. Who am I? For I have amnesia!"

4) The next scene shows all of the characters in one room, and Calculon asks, "... Does anyone here not have amnesia?"

This is just like "Gone with the Wind." Ms. Scarlett, who annoyed me within the first 20 minutes of the movie, is in love with the husband of another woman. To make him jealous she marries a couple of guys who she doesn't love. She becomes a widow several times, and all the while an army captain is trying to convince her to love him. There's lots of other emotional strain from outside variables such as the Civil War, high taxes, and murder. It's just one big roller-coaster of emotions.

Before I started this movie I was warned by many people that it is long. That was a gross understatement. It was nearly 4 hours. My mother said to me, "You better just get into your pajamas and watch this in bed because it is so boring." I was also warned of the "soap-operaness" of the show. My brother-in-law said to me, "It is so long! And it's like 'Sex in the City.' Everyone cheats on each other, and are in love with other people." If only I could have just listened to what they had to say and not watch the show. The only movie I didn't finish was "Panic Room" with Jodie Foster. I wouldn't have finished this one had it not been for the list. You should be grateful that I put my body through such torture to finish this list.

The bottom line:
Rating: 2.3
Would I own it? Not on your young queer life.
Would I recommend it? Only to devote Jane Austen readers.

Singin' in the Rain (1952)

"How does everyone know the words already?!?" My sister would shout as my brothers and I would sit in our blanket fort and watch "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." Being a snot nosed 20 year old I didn't have an answer for her. Now that I'm in college I have learned many useless facts:
1) The square-root of 4
2) Why salt melts ice
3) Why characters in musicals suddenly break out in song

You want to know why don't you? Well 9 times out of 10 characters break into song to tell us what they are thinking. That is why everyone knows all the words. They aren't really singing...or are they? Great now I've confused myself. All of this is just a lead in to the next movie on the list: Singin' in the Rain.

The plot summary, according to Netflix.com, is as follows, "When Hollywood attempts the transition from silent films to talkies, a matinee idol (Kelly) hopes to make the cut. But he's hampered by a silent-movie queen (Jean Hagen) with a voice like fingernails on a blackboard." Sounds fun doesn't it? Believe me it is. Gene Kelly astounds the audience with his fancy footwork and a voice as smooth as Strawberry Nestle Quick. Debbie Reynolds, Kelly's leading lady, is quite a looker herself. This movie combines humor, singing, dancing, and the occasional tongue twister to thrill viewers of all ages. Interesting tidbit: Gene Kelly performed the title scene of the movie in one take, with a 103 degree fever. Now that's talent baby.

I don't particularly care for musicals myself, but as far as musicals go this one is pretty good. If you haven't seen it yet then what are you waiting for?

The bottom line:
Rating: 4.4 (If you like musicals then 4.7)
Would I own it? This film is on my list to own...not for me, for my kids...I told you I don't like musicals...ok I like musicals a little...don't judge me.
Would I recommend it? Of course.