The Maltese Falcon (1941)

I'll be the first to admit that there are a lot of movies I haven't even heard of. The Maltese Falcon is a perfect example of this. Judging from the title alone it sounds like it could either be a horror film, or a nature documentary. Come to find out it's neither. The Maltese Falcon is actually a standard private eye movie starring Humphrey Bogart. I know what you're thinking, "A private eye movie with the great Humphrey Bogart? That sounds amazing!" News Flash: It's not. The synopsis of the movie, according to Netflix.com, is as follows:

Humphrey Bogart stars as private eye Sam Spade in this Oscar-nominated noir classic that finds the sultry Miss Wonderly (Mary Astor) seeking out protection from a man named Thursby. Spade's partner (Jerome Cowan) takes the case -- but he winds up dead, along with Thursby. Spade's subsequent hunt for the killer leads him into a world of deception and double-crossing, as a trio of criminals searches for a priceless statue known as the Maltese Falcon.

Now you're probably thinking, "That movie sounds even cooler than I originally thought." Well you're wrong again. To show you how much I hated this movie, here's just a small list of movies I think should be on AFI's list instead of The Maltese Falcon:

Ernest Goes to Camp
All of The Land Before Time movies (except for part 11)
Blank Check
Alien vs. Predator
Barbie's Swan Lake
Muppets Take Manhattan
Muppets Take Acid (Hasn't been made yet...I'm still trying to sell the script)
The Sandlot
The Princess Bride
Ernest Scared Stupid
Any Veggie Tales movie

The reason I hated this movie so badly was all the character interactions. The characters would be mad at each other, suddenly be partners, and then inexplicably they would break out in song (that last part isn't true but it illustrates just how stupidly these characters were portrayed). In all fairness I probably wouldn't have hated this boring film so much if I wasn't so bitter about all the old, dumb movies I've had to watch lately. You decide for yourself if my hatred for this movie is a by product of all the old movies I've had to watch, or if it's just a dumb movie. In the mean time here's a decent Private Eye show:



The bottom line:
Rating: 2.3
Would I own it? Never
Would I recommend it? Not even to my worst enemies...at least I didn't hate it as badly as 2001 Space Odyssey.